akira's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear God 2003 Dear God, A few years ago I wrote you a letter, Dear God, and never really having any intention of sending it but needing it to be out there and read I posted on this website thinking that no one would read it. And maybe no one did but it made me feel better knowing that all the hatred I had for you was out there for everyone to see and know about. The betrayal I felt, the anger, the hurt, the shame, all of it was there for the world to read and see. Years have passed God. Many things have changed in my life. I've lost my mother, my house, my family, my father, and almost my sanity. And maybe those were just trials. Maybe those were just tests to see if I was one of those people that was worthy of your time. Someone once told me "God only gives you what he knows you can handle." Funny I never thought of that at those times. Those nights when I was crying and asking you to just let me die in an overdose, or let that blade cut just a bit deeper, or let the Absolut be a bit too much this time and end it all. All I wanted was peace. I wanted the pain to stop God. Was that too much to ask? For so long pain was all I ever felt. The dreams during slumber, the heartbreak from losing Mom while I was awake. But you know what? Maybe, just maybe, that person was right? Maybe you do only give out what a person can take. I didn't think I could handle much more but that's what kept coming, more. More anger, more pain, more betrayal, by loved ones, by so called friends, and through it all one thing was constant, I wasn't going to let anyone win. Not them, not you. That's when I realized, I am better then any false belief, because I'm the only fucking thing I can count on. I believe in you God, I believe in you now more then ever. I believe that when I'm down you'll be there to kick me in the gut and remind me that I'm only as good as proving to every single person, I won't lose. YOU GOD, YOU REMIND ME OF WHAT I HAVE TO FIGHT FOR! And what I have to fight for is my life. Every single day of my life is about proving to someone somewhere that I'm not a failure, that I'm not a fuck up. I am where I am because of you God that much is true, but it's not because you have given me faith, it's because you've deserted me and betrayed me when I've needed faith, that I have faith, in myself. I'm not that lost little girl anymore God. I know my place. I know who I am. I know what I can do, and that's any mother fucking thing I set my mind to! I'm better then the life you've chosen for me, I'm better then one that was given to me by that priest that raped when I was five. I've made something of myself, despite your attempts to knock me down and keep me there. This is me, and finally, I can say that I'm proud of who I am. I have faults, too numerous to count, I have a temper, I have an attitude, of which I'm proud of, and I'm a damn good person, at times. I can finally say thank you God. Thank you for giving me everything that you didn't, because without you who knows where I would be. Ave, )O( Akira - June 6th 2003 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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