akira's Diaryland
Diary
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i dont want this anymore. these feelings. the constant struggle to be ok. look at me differently. i can't change the me that i have always been. i can't make my past go away. you like everyone else now only sees the fucked up parts of me. the scars that exists. the damaged parts of me. all the cracks. all the chips.
i loved the fact that you saw all past that. i loved that i was nothing other then a twisted little fuck who made you laugh. someone who was perfectly fine with all the dark things that you found wonderful. to tell me you got sick of it? i can't deal with it anymore. i can't cope with my life in this world anymore. i can't be anymore. i don't want this. i don't want to be anymore. i want it to all go away. i want to sleep forever in that warm place where everything is back to how it was. where everything is alright in its own wrong little ways. i want my life back. i want to feel like me again and i know that's never going to happen now. the once was is now forever over.
the options for me are so few. there's so little left to lose now. baby girl, all gown up. job, i'm easily replaced. marriage, over basically.
all i ever wanted was a family. a real family. maybe not the white picket fence (which is odd seeing as i actually HAVE a white picket fence) family. but the one that's perfect in its own obscure way. each part completing the next. small pieces of the same puzzle making a beautiful mosaic picture. my part being the dark that slowly fade away into light.
i guess at some point it had to end right? i mean happiness doesn't stay long in my life. something always has to give. i just thought maybe this time, after 14 years, i was somehow in the clear. that somehow id made it past my past. �There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds.�
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