akira's Diaryland Diary

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not much

there isn't much to me anymore. i walk through either thinking all the time or not thinking at all. chaos internally. the thought of going back to work has me totally tense. thinking about it starts me racing and spinning. ick.
i want this part of my life over. i don't want to wake up some days. i'm just happy to spend my life with my eyes closed wrapped up in my blankets. and it starts again. slowly at first building and building until we're right back at square one. ignore it. ignore it. ignore it.
if i'm not here will things still go on? i wonder all the time if i were to disappear, just vanish what would happen. i wouldn't want to because of what's been going on, more like i'd want to get away from myself. i can't fix myself fast enough. i can't be better the way i'm suppose to be to make everyone happy. i'm tired of being looked at like i'm fucking psycho or something.
theres too much for me to deal with now. i know that all that i want to disappear can happen with the familiar sting of a poke and a pop but those days are over for me now. all i can hope for is a haze from my pills. my little whites and greens.
and so here is where it ends for me. i say the same things i always say. have the same hurt feelings i always have. regret the same things i always regret. and end the same ways i always do.
ave )o( akira

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