akira's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- it is this I'm not sure when it started. I actually can't remember not feeling this way anymore. I just want to sleep. It's the only thing that feels right. It's where I'm happiest. It's where everything's alright. Where I'm not belittled by my own thoughts of I'm not good enough or I should be doing better. Why aren't I better? What did I do wrong? Why can't I ever just have something? Sleeping makes all of it ok. I know what's next. I know what happens next, what the next step is and I don't want it. "What have I become? I tell myself all the time that I don't care. Whatever happens happens just like before. The only problem was before she didn't matter to me. I have to make it that way again. Because all the secrets and the shady bullshit she's pulling doesn't fly with me. She says she's going to start talking to me and telling me shit. Either it's an all or nothing it can't be a pick and choose but she needs to learn that on her own. I'm tired of telling her what I would like and she does exactly what she wants anyway. I try to respond as I'm asked. I'm still learning for fucks sake. I'm trying to be better. I understand its not quick enough for her. I understand I don't react like her preciously perfect cunt boss, but I do the best that I can. She's always comparing me to someone else. Someone I can never be. No wait scratch that, someone I DO NOT WANT TO BE! I'm not fake. I'm me. I want to be better, but a better somewhat saner version. "Now, bleeding on the cross This isn't what I want to be thinking about every day. All the time. Ave )o( Akira - ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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