akira's Diaryland Diary

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hurt

Hurt
I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything

What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end
You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of shit
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here

What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end

You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

This isn't how things are supposed to be. I don't like it. I don't want it. But I have to deal with it. It's the life I created.
My last reliable source of honest expelling and impartial opinions is gone. I totally understand that he's always watching out for my best interest but I UNLIKE everyone else who has crossed my path in my life keep the promises I make unless it is otherwise out of my hands. I flat out promised him if suicide was ever a serious thought for me I'd talk it out with him too see what it was that was causing me to feel that way. So what I'm tired of being me. I'm tired of the "coincidental" things that happen I'm tired. I'm just fucking tired. I don't think it fathomable the amount of energy it takes on a daily neigh HOURLY basis to not totally just want to break down from the weight of it all.
*ding* I was uploading prom pictures from my camera and camcorder and there was video of a couple of Xmas's ago on there when life was happy. When she still loved me the way she used to. The was I used to. Before. I miss that so much. I miss feeling like that. And it's never going to be that way again. It's all changed so much. I seriously have nothing anymore. Nothing. I'm empty.
*ding* I've been thinking about Riley a lot lately trying to figure out WWRD haha it was an inside joke with him and I. Little did i know the man was as religious as Jesus himself. Anyway. I have situations where I have to consider what would he tell me. Like with trying to make myself feel better or saying things out loud to see if it kills me. He told me once "akira (only my real name) it's ok to be you. only you've walked in your shoes. only you've lived through the torture of your past. and only you can deal with it the way you know how to. but at some point don't you think it'll get tiresome always fighting the demons inside? at some point don't you want to let them go" I did and I do. But then I'll really be alone with my thoughts. So. WWRD?
*ding* It really sucks. Having dream so real that you wake up achey. I had a patient today who had almost that surgery I did. She was raped at 6 and she has reconstruction so exams are really painful for her. It was kinda weird to have someone say the same surgery and know why she had to have it done. She had started to explain and I just I'm all to familiar with that surgery and she looked so relieved like she wasn't going to be judged. I told my doc here's her story in a nutshell. If she needs a hand call me. She did fine and came out after her visit and said the was the most please t experience she's ever had at a gyn office and gave me a hug.
)o( Akira

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