akira's Diaryland
Diary
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Prom
Prom. My baby girl looked so beautiful. The day was amazing. And she was so happy. V was so happy. Everything she did for her, the limo, the makeup, the hair. It was wonderful. I was so happy. More happy then I have been in months. And all without the aid of meds. I wish I could have made that feeling last forever.
*ding* Her alarm went off for something and not knowing how to work her phone I went to turn it off and she changed her code. Ok. I get it. We're over. I understand. I "confronted", wrong word for it but, her about talking to Karen again and all of a sudden she changes her code. Lastnight I was too tired to have her sleep in the other room. But today the rooms clean, sheets washed, everything ready for her. She tells me she wants things to work out with us but things she does say otherwise.
*ding* I only have 4 pills left. That's it and no refills ,no one to fill it and to say I'm worried about the next 3 weeks is an understatement. I just want to ignore all of this. Anxiety at all time high now because there's nothing to focus on. Proms over. Racing heart. Hard to breath. Ears ringing. I hate this. I really really hate this.
*ding* I do everything I can to make myself feel better. I get my nails done regardless of the comments she makes to give me a little pick me up. I get my eyebrows done to make me feel like I'm pretty. Same with my hair. None of it works long term but for a small amount of time I feel like I could actually be attractive. It's all vanity I realize that's how it seems because I'm more then how I look but it's all mental. Riley told me if I feel like I look good then I will feel good. Even for a millisecond that could give me the lightness I need to turn things around.
*ding* I still can't believe that my little Buggy baby went to her Sr. Prom lastnight. And she was the happiest girl in the world. Glowing even. I wish my mom could have seen how beautiful her granddaughter looked.
Ave )O( Akira
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