akira's Diaryland
Diary
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Notebook
For a while now I've been doing this little notebook. It's full of thoughts, quotes, images stolen from magazines.
I love quotes. I love how in such a few words they can put a whole life time of feelings.
So I have this book and I'm looking back at all the various things I've put in there...and I realize...I'm really fucked. Through all this that has been going on for the last few years I've somehow lost all that I was.
My favorite quote is
"imagine being given a list of all the people who made you into the person you are today. and next to their name you could see the exact personality trait you got because of them."
I wonder what I would see. Next to P. Next to J. Next to her. Even with all that she's put me through. Even with all the hurtful and damaging words. Even with all the cracks and brokenness of my heart. I still hold onto what once was. The happy times. The feeling of how safe I felt. How serene and calmness she made me feel. The quiet she gave my soul. Would I see that?
Yesterday she said something along the lines that we were too involved or dependent on each other and that it wasn't right and that it wasn't healthy. I think outside of her admiting that she wasn't in love with me any more and saying how could she love me with how fucked up I am, that was probably the most hurtful thing she has ever said out loud. If that's how she feels then how am I supposed to talk? How am I supposed to allow her to see how I really feel. Why would I want to? I didn't realize there was a limit I wasn't to exceed in finding solace in another person. Someone who was supposed to be my partner. But then again, I'm learning a lot about how she truly feels about me and our "relationship".
Yet another reason for my walls. I protect myself because eventually something else comes up. So I block it out. Fill my head with something, anything except the reality.
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