akira's Diaryland
Diary
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Homework
So I was given homework. I need to write how I feel or what I'm thinking. Make myself "vaunerable" she says. I say make myself weak.
At first I'm like that's impossible....make myself purposely weak? How the fuck do I do that? I can't express my thoughts and feeling. Totally foreign.
Then I realize....AKIRA! Hell I've been doing that for years and I didn't even know it!
The problem is....I don't have the faintest idea what or how I'm feeling anymore for sure. I don't know if it's real or if it's the bi-polar. I don't if it's what I'm told I should be feeling or if it's genuinely my emotions I'm feeling.
The only thing I know for sure with out a shadow of doubt is that I hate all of this. That every single day is a struggle for me. Given the choice if rather stay in bed, sleep and never wake up.
Every morning I open my eyes wishing it'll be different. I think please, please just let it be gone. I don't want to deal with it anymore. Please let today be the day. It starts out fine. Get up. Go pee. Brush my teeth. Then it starts. Around and around. Chasing and racing. Chasing and racing. Just for one fucking day I want that peace. Without the pills. Without the pain. Without seeing myself.
I have to wonder. Is it me? Is this really me that I see in the mirror? Is this what he did to me or what I did to myself? Or what she did to me?
More and more I wish if never stopped using. I wish if kept my contacts. I'll is need to do was make one call. One simple phone call would make all of this go away. All the feelings of weakness. All the feelings of worthlessness. All the feelings of pity. Gone in 3 little cc's. Like my own personal version of an eraser.
What once was happiness is now forgotten. I can't even remember what shooting up feels like anymore. It's such a distant memory now.
And now I'm stuck. Here. Living. And feeling and shit. And lemme tell ya it sucks. It just sucks.
My little happy once content mind is now in total and utter chaos. Which, one would think, is where I SHOULD feel content. But it's the outward chaos that I can exsist in. The chaos that I can manipulate and bend to my will. Not this shit!
Can I do this?
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