akira's Diaryland Diary

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Old Habits

Isn't it enough that I'm damaged goods? That my body and my mind are fucked up? Choices are taken from me always. People walking out on me. Choosing to be drunk or to be with other people over me. Because of my fucked upness? Because I am who I am? Even my shrink thinks that I'm too fucked up to be helped. I know it's getting bad the cuts are deeper uneven and messy. So unlike my usual soldiers. So unlike me. Midnight razor parties. Old habits die hard.
*ding* I know that how I react to things is different then almost the entire fucking world. There are few people I showed real emotion to, mostly because I don't trust anyone with seeing me weak. But now. Now there's no one. And for the first time in over a decade having to deal with the reality that I am, I have removed myself so far from it no one is seeing anything. I'm not the only one dealing with this, the ew is so torn up and hurting from it and I feel so bad for her. No added extras are needed. And trying to keep my emotions about "OUR" problems separate is hard because now that I'm ready to ask the questions it isn't at all appropriate timing at all. And J says its about timing and approach. So I'm waiting because its what needs to be done. It's the right thing to do. I'm learning. Slowly but I am.
*ding* I wonder if too much damage has been done. I'm always in guard mode now and I dislike that so much. I'm not really used to being guarded around her waiting for the next thing to happen to prove this that or the other. And then I think to myself, it's my own fault. She should have been gone a long time ago. This shouldn't just be over we should be over. THEN reality sets in and I realize, this was a marriage. We took vows for better or worse. This is the worse. We're going to therapy to work on things. I'm working on doing what I need to get better. She just needs to work on her issues. However, I have to know when enough is enough also. I deserve to be treated better then she has done. I deserve to be respected as her wife. I deserve to be told the truth. I deserve to stood up for when someone is disrespecting me. I deserve that because that's what I give and have given her. Always.
*ding* Again with the issues. Again. Again. Again. ::deep breath:: Everything will be fine. Because if not I'm going to take every mother fucking pill in this house, get into a hot tub, and slit my wrists. Everything will be fine.
Ave )O( Akira

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