akira's Diaryland Diary

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My Disclosure

I haven't written. I haven't written because she's reading or maybe now she's not. Maybe the novelties worn off? Or maybe not. Either way I've never compromised Akira not for her not for anyone. Akira is my world to work through or purge my issues. Mine. I don't lock it anymore or won't change what I write to suite other people for fear of hurting their feelings. It's why I'm here and not out there. Period. So that's my disclosure. Read at your own risk.
*ding* To say things are fucked up again is an understatement. Then again, when aren't they? I know I should have just deleted the fucking email, but really I've never gotten any kind of explanation. No reason as to why she decided to betray my trust and our relationship. Well nothing other then she (Karen) "makes me feel good about myself" and "she makes me happy. She thinks that I deserve to be happy." (so I didn't? fair enough) But that was in the depth of it that I was given that explanation. Nothing since. So, I opened the email and read them. I wasn't really all the surprised by most of it. I was hurt but a little of it, having never been called beautiful, sexy or fine ass, myself by her stung a little, but it was in the past and I could accept that's what was said then. What I wasn't expecting to read was a conversation about her not being in love with me anymore and how Karen telling her to leave me to which she replies "i cant leave her. i'd feel like an asshole. everyone always leaves her" Karen saying "maybe there's a reason for that" and her replying "ya. maybe there is" there was more going back and forth. A discussion about where she could go, who she could stay with, etc. A discussion with this fucking cunt about MY relationship and how bad V felt for me. You know, pity? I hate pity. I've hated it as long as I can remember. People feeling bad for me all my life. Well at the very least since I was 6. Fuck the pity you felt for me. Fuck the feelings of guilt for wanting to walk out on me. I don't need it. If I had only known. And the fucking sickest part is my wicked sister knowing that she felt this way. That she wasn't in love with me any more. That she wanted to leave but she felt "bad" doing. But she felt fine telling some other women how deeply she cared for her and how she was the most important person in her life at that moment. The person she felt the closest connection with. I makes me sick. They make me sick. And all the while here I am like a fool begging for my life back. Begging for her to just be with me again. What a fucking fool I was. And continue to be. Like I said before I need to fucking grow a set. She's still friends with her. She still talks to her. She's still acting like nothing ever happened. Trying to stay away from her, fuck you. I was SO stupid to believe that she was actually over her. That she was done feeling "flattered" by this fucking cunt. I was SO FUCKING STUPID!!
*ding* What I didn't need right now was more stress. Neither of us did or do. But it's the way the universe punishes people. Cancer of the esophagus. I don't believe it's terminal because of the pathology we have right now. It seems to be more mild. But it's still shitty. General anesthesia for an 81 year old woman isn't ideal.
*ding* Just keep moving to stop the spinning. Motion prevents. At least in my mind it does.
*ding* How is it I hate the heat but I love feeling the warm sun? When I was younger, we'd go camping I'd go out on the lake, on an air mattress lying there in the warm sun, letting it dry me off, the breeze gently making ripples in the water causing the air mattress to rock, the sounds on the beach getting more distant, just drifting. I loved that feeling. It made me feel like I was a million miles away from my life. Like I was alone, but in a good way. After one of my last surgeries we went camping just to get away for a while. A vacation to remove ourselves from everything that was going on. I came back with a 103.6 fever. I had a massive vaginal and pelvic infection from swimming in the lake, having just been through a major surgery the dirty water and healing incisions didn't mix. That vacation was the last memory I have of drifting.

"But she knows she has a curse on her,
a curse she can not win.
For if someone gets too close to her,
the pins stick farther in."

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