akira's Diaryland
Diary
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Walking Away
I broke off a 13 year relationship last night and a 7 year marriage. Not only did I walk away from my marriage but I'm walking away from my best friend in all actuality. Granted due to our current financial situation it makes it totally impossible to go our separate ways physically. So instead for now she's sleeping in my daughters room, however our lives are totally separate. I haven't said anything to D yet, she's too dramatic and I her proms coming up and I don't want to ruin that for her OR me.
There's this odd peace about this whole thing. I feel like this is what's been waiting to happen. Like she no longer tied down to me who "controls her" she doesn't have to "ask me for permission" to go and hang out with her friends. She's free to be the her she want to be. Maybe give it another shot with her boss. Move up nice and high on the corporate ladder. Her whole worlds open now. I told her I expect her to respect our house and me and not bring anyone ever into the house, call the house, even pick her up from the house out of respect. Same goes for me, though after being brunt this many times I'm cool off dating ever again. I'll just go back to my whorish roots! I'm so kidding.
I know it seems like I don't care about all of this but the truth is I'm keeping myself medicated so I don't lose it. lol It's funny because if these were illegal drugs I'd be "self medicating" however because I have a script for them I'm just taking medication as prescribed. Whatever. When I got married to her I took those vows seriously. I fought and fought and fought to keep this. Probably more then I should have especially after she was fucking around with Karen. I should have kicked her out and made her leave then, but for some reason I didn't. I wanted to see if thins could be better and for the most part they were/are, but the minute, the second someone else enters our lives I'm no longer important. My opinion means shit. My feelings mean shit. And honestly had she never told me that I wasn't important in her life or that I never want to see her happy i probably would have let this go like all the other times. But there was something about the way she was saying things, the look on her face that reminded me so much of the things she had said to me. It was like hearing an echo of those fights all over again. I never want her to be happy. I'm not important in her life right now. I snapped. I realize the damage aka brain washing that's been done by her boss is a lot deeper then I thought it was.
I've been as supportive as I know how to be. I've done all the things I know how to do to make myself better. Well legal things at least. But I'm also being told every day that how I am is not appropriate. How I react is not appropriate. My feeling are not appropriate for specific situations. And you know what? I'm tired of being told that. I think I do really fucking well given the circumstances I've been places in and the situations that have been shoved in my face and no one give me credit for that.
So now. Now I let my life play out as it should. If people want to come at me, I say have at it. The gloves are off and the real me is here standing and waiting. Lets see how big their balls are now.
Ave )o( Akira
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