akira's Diaryland Diary

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Long Hard Road Out of Hell

I admit there is a part of me that hates her for putting me through this. A part of me that wants to say fuck it and call it quits because I don't think I could ever trust her again. Fuck every time she gets upset or pissed off that's exactly what she wants. She says "you don't trust me" "you don't believe anything I say" "I hurt you" "why do you want to be with me?" maybe just maybe because I love you asshole? And sometimes loving someone isn't easy and it's work and it's hard and if you don't try you'll never know if it was worth it. Just because I have my guard up and I don't trust her doesn't mean that how deeply I feel for her has changed. WHAT I feel for her has changed. Considerably. I mean you can't have been thrown aside and made to feel like trash and still feel exactly the same about the person who's done that to you.
For twelve years she was my partner. She was someone who I walked through hell with. Fought a the bullshit with. Someone who understood and saw me as me. She never lied to me (that I know of). Never betrayed me (again that I know of). I never had reason to question her actions, not once. She meets someone who shows her some attention, someone who tells her I'm this that and the other and all of a sudden I'm shit in her eyes. I'm worthless and I'm wrong for being who I've always been. My feelings mean nothing. My love means nothing. Twelve years of me trusting her erased. All of means nothing now.
I can't totally blame her. I know better then to trust people eventually they always end up betraying that trust. Always. I can't sit here and say that I didn't know something was going to happen with her boss because I did. I just didn't think it would get to that point.
All this going on in my head. All these ah-ha moments fucking screw with me. I'll be sitting here and realize holy shit that why she did this or it's because she gave her that and I feel like an idiot all over again. Then. That's when I get pissed the fuck off. Because I remember I trusted her. I. Trusted. Her.
It's a long hard road out of hell.

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