akira's Diaryland Diary

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Who I Am

I always said the shit I went through as a little girl was an incident I went through, it was what happened to me, that it didn't define me. It didn't make me who I was as a person. Ok so I was wrong. All this bullshit, all this confusion, all this chaos, all this fucking crap going on IS because of what he did to me. He's the reason I can't deal with any kind of major change in my life with out some kind of negative effect. The bi-polar bullshit I deal with is because of him. And it clicked. I'm going to be dealing with this for the rest of my life. I'm going to be dealing with him for the rest of my life. It doesn't matter that he's dead. That he hung his sorry pathetic disgusting perverted twisted worthless ass from a beam. It doesn't matter that I've come all this way, that I've over come his actions and surgeries and more abuse and drugs and suicides and faked deaths and losing my mom because he's always going to be there in my head fucking with me making me question my sanity because he wanted to get off.
Did I ever tell you that even though they were able to find a small amount of his semen in a pair of my panties that were covered in blood the church was still able to give him immunity? Yes, the Sargent head cop guy looked at my mom with the sorriest look and said their hands were tied there was nothin they could do, but if they happen to see him walking across the street there could be a tragic accident.
So yes, this is where I am. I'm better today because I have to start a fight that I thought I'd already won.
Ave )o( Akira

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