akira's Diaryland Diary

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That's not living

I don't know how to get out of this. My fucking mind is so fucked up and so fucking confused. I want to run away and disappear. Make myself not feel this anymore. Not feel anything. I don't know how to do this. I don't know anymore. Every single thing I try makes everything wrong. All I wanted to do this weekend was watch Frankenweenie and Hotel Transylvania. Somehow now I'm alone. Somehow I managed to fuck that up to. I can't do this anymore. I can't wake up anymore. I don't want to wake up anymore. I don't want to be anymore. I can't fix this fast enough to save it.
How do you be with someone that you can't exist without and not be with them? I want her to hold me and just make all this go away and she wants nothing to do with me she hates me so much right now. I want to curl up and fade away.
I did this. I made all this happen by being weak. No cutting. No drugs. No one. No. One. No. One.
How did I do this before. Where's that person she loves. Where the fuck did she go? Where did she disappear to exactly because I can't find her anywhere in here. And what the fuck was that flash back. Where the fuck did that come from that can't ever happen again sane or not. That wasn't right. Wasn't fair. If its true I'm this fucked up because of all that bullshit I'm screwed. Music is nice. Listen and close the world out and make all the noise go away. Forget about the boxes for awhile forget about outside the boxes for a while.

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