akira's Diaryland Diary

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never before

i have never before in my life loved someone the way i love her. to the center of my being. so much so that i feel incomplete without her near me or with me. i know this isn't easy. in fact I know it's probably the most fucked up thing we've been through in the 12 years we've been together. i don't want to think about this anymore. i don't want to obsess on when she's going to leave me anymore. last night wasn't right. she wasn't right with me. I'm so confused. i have no one to talk to anymore with Riley dead. no one who understands. no one who gets the fucked up ways my mind turns the normal into a threat. i told her flat out I'm afraid of losing her because of how she feels about her and because of all this. i can't just dismiss everything that's in my face making me insecure. she gave me peace of mind saying shed be just as upset but yet never offered up any reassurance just saying to cancel her phone she doesn't give a fuck. she keeps saying she wants to leave to give me time to focus on something else. to put my attention somewhere else. i wish it was that easy.
her interaction with me is irritation and frustration now. i should know eventually things are always too much for everyone. whether its my past or a reflection of how my past has effected me. i know this isn't normal. i know how i react isn't right an how i view things isn't right and the things I've been through aren't right. but it those things make me who i am and up until recently she's been happy with who i was. i
all i want is my wife back. the one who understood who i was. the one who wasn't disgusted and irritated with who i am. the one who made me feel like everything would be alright and I was safe from myself. i feel like I'm nothing compared to her, like all that matters is her now, her word, her feelings, her happiness.
an emotionally invested relationship is still cheating in my eyes.

6:18 a.m. - 2012-10-04

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