akira's Diaryland Diary

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Just a ride

I think I've gotten to the point where I don't care anymore. I upped my meds and take the Xanax frequently now just to maintain that inner peace. It's strange how things have gotten to this point. I have so much I'm trying to contend with I feel like if just one more little thing happens I'll dissolve into a puddle of nothingness and I'm wondering what it'll be that puts me over the edge.
I don't think about my life as hard. I think of it as a life that I've had. Some people have yearly traditions or family gatherings and I had abuse. Other people had things much worse happen to them and they don't fall apart. But me, I can't deal with it. I'm having to fight a battle that feels like is all uphill with obstacle after obstacle in my way preventing me from reaching even a plateau of normality. And it's not bad enough that I have to remember with everyday life to contend with but I have nightmares to boot. But I survive because its what I do. It's all I know how to do. And I don't care if people don't agree with the way I survive. I do my best. I take those small steps forward and hope for the best. I should know better then to expect anything in my life to be easy or to go smoothly. All I can do is brace myself for what's next. The problem was I was blind sided by the unexpected. And that's on me and I understand that now. I understand a lot now. I have clearer eyes to the situations around me and I don't care about them anymore. I'll let my life play out and stop fighting, after all I'm just along for the ride right?

-

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

previous - next