akira's Diaryland Diary

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you'll be fine

it's always like this. real life getting mixed up with the life that once was. all the happy pretty little flowers grown, wind blows, sun shines, rain falls, then boom outta nowhere there it is. right infront of your face. blinding you.
i've walked through some serious shit in my life, some of it here within these entries. documented for me to remember just how fucked up i was. i know better now. i know where my priorties are. daughter. family. job. but there are other ways to survive without having to be so...so adult and grown up.
sometimes i do miss being alone. in my own head. not sharing or caring about the world outside other then me and mine. i miss being selfish because honestly it's eaiser. it's easy to ignore and be mean. but somehow, i became the one that everyone goes to. the one everyone dumps their shit on. i guess it's because i've been through the shit. i can speak from experience. mostly i don't mind. mostly i kinda like telling people "it only seems like it's the end of the world, but in reality...it's just life pulling one of it's little FUCK YOUS, you'll be fine"
but right now i don't feel like i will. since i've been clean there have only been a few times where i've wanted to be numb. where i've wanted my mind to just shut off. and right now it's one of those times. and what's really fucked up is i have no idea why. ya it'll pass. i know it, but it's so confusing. there were a box of sharps at work the other day and oh my god my arms were itching. they sat there for 3 freakin days and no one bothered to dispose of them. finally it just got to be too much and i dumped them, appropiatley of course.
i think all this shit coupled with not sleeping well, having nightmares, missing my mom, i think it's just all too much for me. i think i'm full. done. and yet i still have the daily grind. "it only seems like it's the end of the world, but in reality...it's just life pulling one of it's little FUCK YOUS, you'll be fine"
)O( Akira

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