akira's Diaryland
Diary
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the real me finally
on my days off i have no idea what day it is.
see when i started this diary it was out of trying to find myself. trying to see why it was that i was so...fucked up. was it my childhood? was it my adolesence?? was it because i had no self worth?? or was it because i was never told that i was worth something? i'm not knocking my mom. oh my god she was amazing. dealing with me alone. dealing with my being raped, surgeries, healing, trying to have my life be as normal as possible. an amazing woman. strong. but what was it that made me so fucked up? what was it that made me want..NEED to be with someone who was fucked up. which made me eventually as equally as fucked up??
so i wrote. i purged. i wrote. and eventually i found me ground. was it my voodu? was it my daughter? was it me??
am i really grounded now? who knows.
who i am is still within me. it's here...beating...breathing...living...being. i'm still me. i still have me thoughts. still have my heartache..still have me need to forget who i am. where i came from. what i once was.
*ding*
i had this dream. maybe a nightmare. he came looking for me...or my daughter. he was looking. knowing that something of me was still living. being happy. what a fucker.
*ding*
there's this website megans law i don't know if i'm just over protective. or a worried mother. but here it is. you can search your city. your address. your child school. or just search to see how many fucking sick bastards there are out there.
*ding*
"your over protective akira" "your daughter is going to grow up never knowing what real life is like akira" "your going to wish you never protected her like this when she gets older akira" WHAT THE FUCK EVER!
hehehe see i haven't changed a bit have i? this is what booze brings out in me. my real thoughts. my real feelings....the real akira.
ave )O( akira
12:26 a.m. - March ?? 2005
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