akira's Diaryland Diary

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if, if, if

i've been doing better on the cutting. i can go a couple of days without new marks and still not feel like the world is closing in on me. i'm dealing better with it, i think. and i'm doing this all without the help of drugs. well except of course the occasional medicinal smoke here and there. but that's strictly for sleeping purposes. i know i can do this. i tell myself this every morning the alarm clock goes off and as i get ready for work. "akira, you know you can do this"
it doesn't ever get better missing her, it just doesn't hurt so bad sometimes. and i have to keep remembering that this isn't one of those times. for weeks i've been replaying everything over and over and over. if i'd just have gotten into the medical field sooner i would have known this or that. if i'd made her come and stay with us. if, if, if, that's all it is. and that's what kills me. i could have stopped it from happening.
)o( akira

- 2*11*09

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