akira's Diaryland Diary

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the thing of it all

here's the thing of it all. working on making myself better, doing all the "work" I'm supposed to be doing. the medication. going to the psychiatrist. going to the therapist. all of it. all of that and I really have no one I can talk to when I need it. tried trusting satan aka my sister. she turned on me. tried talking to the ebf. he turned on me. and we all know I won't talk to the missus. so akira is my last stop. used to be my first stop. problem is I refuse to lock her up and the other two read. but honestly who am I to care? truth be told I'm tired. i'm tired of everything. all the lies. all the rehashing of the lies.
why cant you just be there for me? why do you have to throw emotions into? i need you. i need you on my side. in my corner. helping me figure shit out. you know me almost better then anyone else and again, you leave me alone. you were the one to tell me "it's going to alright bella. you'll be fine." you gave me hope that I would find the me that was taken. now I can't trust you with even that.
you told me once that everything I'd been through. everything I'm going through. and everything I will go through can never change who I'm meant to be or how I'm meant to be loved.
i think you're wrong. up until a year ago I believed that. i didn't think my past affected my current or my future and the truth is it does and it will. always.
my life hasn't been my life since I was 5 let's be honest here. all I've been doing is living a life around the reality that I'm fucked up. that's what she told me isnt it? im so fucked up because I won't let go of what happened to me. im so used to being that fucked up person that I don't know who I really am.
how many more lies. how many more untold truths are there anyway.

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