akira's Diaryland Diary

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in a hole again

i miss her. i don't think it's fair, if i would have known 8 years ago that i would have to feel this, i don't think i would have stopped snorting and shooting up drugs.
i guess in retrospect, having done all those drugs to make my mind numb to avoid feeling i was bound to feel it eventually. once i stopped popping my veins full of all that crap, i preoccupied myself with getting my shit together so there was never anytime to feel. now that my shit is together. now that i have family where i've always wanted them. eight years later...i'm feeling it.


.:Don�t want anyone to know who I really am, so they never see
All the things I hide behind, these precious walls are built just for me.
So if they look into the windows of my soul all they�re going to see,
Are my eyes staring back and not shattered glass or the broken side of me.

Cause I�m so afraid to show my darkest secrets
I keep them wrapped in chains, and locked up in a place where no one goes
But I�m sure my insecurities will give it away
I�m heading back street before I crash and burn for me there is no shame:.


i wonder. is it possible to ever truly escape the mourning process? when my dad died i don't think i did because i still hurt from him trying to rape me. so that out weighed the loss. that and basically he was never really there for me to being with. the booze took care of that. regardless of what my father's family thinks the man who was lying in that hospital bed was NOT my father. he died many years prior, when i was 7 or 8. before all the police and suicide attempts. before he put my mom and i through all the bullshit of .357 russian roulette games at 2am. but no one but her and i know about those things.


.:I�m finally back of course behind the mask I�ve always worn for you
To distract you since I couldn�t face the fact that someone ever knew
That all I am is just some smoke mirrors and a gun pointing back at you
When you�d catch me in the act of this I know it would be through

All these years I�ve lived in fear that you would find out
Just exactly what I�m made of and what I�m really all about
And it would kill me just to see you point your finger and hear you say
You would have been there, this I could not stand so I�ll be on my way

I�m going down.
Back in a hole again
Keep underground
I�m in a hole again
Where no one�s around
And I don�t need a friend
So safe and sound
Back in my hole again:.

so much of who i am revolves around music. everyone knows this about me. i'm at my most peacful when i've got my mind swimming with it.
when i was little music was always on in my house. the stereo playing the doors, cher, everything and anything. i think that's where i get it from. our house in s'vale was wired inside and out for music because she always wanted to be able to hear it. we would dance in our own little spaces like no one in the world was around except just her and i.
it's funny how much life changes in just one little minute.

- 3*21*09

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