akira's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- - Feeling sick when you feel alone kinda sorta sucks a lot. I must have over done the mixing of medication the night before because I felt like death yesterday. But just like everything else I've learned my lesson. I'll stick with the Xanax and deal with the nightmares and crying in my sleep thank you very much. Last night the headache was so unbearable. I was in so much pain I crawled in bed with the ew. Which of course made me feel content and calmed all the nonsense in my head and I promptly started to fall asleep. Her arms wrapped around me listening to her breathing and her heartbeat. I almost stayed. Almost. But I know better then to allow myself that kind of comfort again. I left. Went back into my own bed. You'd think I'd be so good at pulling away at this point it wouldn't bother me. That I wouldn't have laid there crying because it was my choice. But the truth is it does hurt. I keep my distance because I've been hurt repeatedly by her and I can't handle the thought of it happening again. Losing my mother almost killed me from depression. This almost killed me because I didn't want to deal with it. The times I've thought about taking more pills then I'm suppose to or cutting a little too deep or mixing the wrong things, I've lost count really. But, that'll leave people winning who shouldn't be allowed to have another breath. - ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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