akira's Diaryland
Diary
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Ok. So I could see how someone could get addicted to Xanax. Granted I'm on the lowest dose, but really it makes all the noise stop and the racing thoughts slow down. It's so peaceful and nice to just be even if it is only for a half hour or so. But then I just open up that little brown bottle and take another to be still.
What do you think? That people come running to me and tell me what your doing every moment of the day? No the people who care about me DON'T want to hurt me so they keep quiet. But I asked because you told, which is fine. Rationally speaking it was an order because she is your boss. And rationally speaking it shouldn't hurt because its work. But you know what? It does. And it probably always will.
You wanna know why I don't wear this ring on my ring finger? Because you made decisions about our marriage based on your feelings for another woman. You chose to end our marriage because you had a fling, go ahead and tell me differently that's fine but the truth is if you weren't "courting" her you wouldn't have been pissed off at me for EVERYTHING I was feeling, doing, and going through. So no I will NOT wear a ring that symbolizes what you destroyed. I will NOT place faith in you when I have none. And I will NOT pretend everything is fine while I'm still angry. I told you a while ago that I'm not sure i want to be with you any more. In fact I'm not sure what I want, but, I won't walk away without trying everything first. It's not who I am. I didn't do it with J and I didn't have a shred of the relationship I had with you.
I'm still hurt. I'm still angry. I'm still devastated. And my heads still WAY too fucked up to think anymore. Yet that's all I seem to do. I can't even begin to tell you the fucked up thoughts I've had.
So for now I go away. Hide in my pills. Have my peaceful times and hope things go on without me.
Ave )0( Akira
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