akira's Diaryland Diary

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the calm before the storm

2005 that was the last time i wrote in here. this whole thing started because i was lost and broken. something had been taken from me. in the years that have passed i've grown up. delt with life in a more "normal" was whatever the hell that means. drugs are a thing of the past. the turnstile i use to have near my bed has been retired, in it's place is contentment and eeyores.
so why am i back after all this time? why open these pages?
i have to admit. in light of recent findings i'm feeling a bit lost and broken again. i don't want to talk about it. i don't want to cry about it. i just want it to go away, like before. put it in a box, taped up all nice with bows and placed on a high shelf to be forgotten about.
my head spins and twists and gets all messed up when the past comes out to play. it always has. i remove myself from who i was so much that i forget where i came from sometimes. not in a bad way, just in the fact that i'm no longer that person. so how am i expected to act? angry? hurt? abandoned? no none of those feelings exsist. broken describes it better.
so many people have left their marks on me. the physical ones have long since healed. surguries leave scars. it's the mental ones that fuck me up. my down fall. my achilles tendon. memories eat away at my subconcious and break my will, my soul. it always crushes me. always has. phyiscally everything bounces off my like i'm teflon. roll with the punches.
i have no solitude. no peace. all of this bullshit was just a fucking game, that wasn't ever told would be over. really. what does it matter in the end? it's all material anyway.
i wonder if she watches us. if she sees how much i miss her. how much i need her to help me sometimes. i fucking hate this time of year. i always always ended up having to leave her alone and that fucking killed me. i have the room now for her and she's not here.
)O(
Ave

- before it all goes awry

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