akira's Diaryland Diary

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So much has changed. So very very much has changed. She went from being the person in my life that I trusted wholly and made me feel like I was the most important thing in the world to someone who prioritizes other things and people ahead of me. Or at least that how it feels.
I realize to her this isn't or shouldn't be that big of a deal. It's surgery. You go in. You get drugs. You get out. And especially one that I'm choosing to do. But to me it's more. It's more historical bullshit that I'm reliving and yes it's stupid to connect those surgeries to this one but the fact is the same. I'm being sedated generally and I'm going to wake up in pain. Again.
When I was younger and I went through the surgeries, because of my age they'd let me fall asleep with my mom and then they'd move me into the OR or do what they had to do and then I'd wake up and she was there next to my bed holding my hand and my stuffed animal that I'd brought. All I wanted was the same thing. I didn't realize it was that much to hope for that it would have been the same with her she be the last person I'd see before I went in and the first person I'd see when I came out. But I have to realize I'm not a child anymore. Also, she's had other priorities that need to be attended to instead of sitting around doing nothing waiting. I totally understand that now. It just hurts knowing it is all.
My last appointment touched ever so lightly on the past and she feels that I'm so fucked up that I defiantly need to see a psychiatrist for the management of my medication. Oh joy

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