akira's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- trying I'm living with 3 of my closest friends. Well actually my daughter, my girl friend and I are. We have the corner of their house which I made curtins out of sheets for walls. It's cool. Not a lot of privacy but it's nice. There's always someone around to talk to, someone to laugh with, and my daughter has her aunties around her so I can't complain really. I thought that if Voo and I weren't together anymore that things would be eaiser for me to deal with. Things meaning issues where her and I were concerned, but as it turns out it's not. I'm leaving for a while. Going to stay with my Nana for a couple of weeks, just to give us our space from one another. Give her time to breath and not have all this weight and pressure on her. Maybe within that time either both of us or one of us will figure out what exactly we should do. We love eachother, yes. But she can't handle what happens in my life. I can't handle being in a realtionship where affection is one sided. I pulled away from her emotionally because she was being far too hurtful toward me. Her words, her tone. She didn't realize what she was doing I know this. I also know that she's not meaning to be mean or harsh, that there are a TON of changes she's dealing with. She thinks that through all of this shit that's gone on that I'm just wanting things to be the same with us. To some extent I am, but for the most part, I just want the person I fell in love with back. I want out of this with her. I don't want to be in love with her anymore. I don't want to have my every thought be filled with her. I don't want my happiness to come from her. I'd love nothing more then just walk away and forget that I ever met her. But I can't do that. I can't because she's a part of entire being. She's my soul. And this...what she's doing is going to kill me. She tells me over and over again that watching me go through all the crap that I've gone through made her change because she couldn't do anything about it, I wouldn't let her do anything about it. She can change this, she's just choosing not to. She's letting all the crap destroy both of us by allowing it to change her. She was playing a part when we first met. She was someone totally different with me. Now she wants to be serious because she has to be. Because she wants us to get our own place, a car, the things that money can buy. She's acting mature because I don't. Rightfully so, understandable. What she doesn't realize and probably never will...I've had to be mature, since I was 5. I had to be responsable when I was a teenager because it was just me and my mom. I'm not saying that I don't want to be responsable or mature now, I just want to have fun every once and a while is all. She doesn't understand that. Now I'm sitting here crying, hating everything that's happened in my life to put me where I am now. KNOWING that it's not ever going to change for me no matter how hard I fight against all of this it's just going to get harder and harder for me to keep my head up. I feel SO old. SO tired. So fucking fed up with trying. I'm always trying. Ave )O( Akira - July 10th 2002 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||