akira's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- step by step it's not easy sometimes. pretending you want people around you when you really don't. pretending that things don't hurt when they are really tearing your heart open. acting like everything is fine, smiling facing the world with twinkles of happiness in eyes that want to tear and weep. i'm tired. i'm tired of hiding all the black shit. i'm tired of feeling like this. but..i don't want it to go away. when it goes away is when you forget. i'm never alone anymore so i can't cry. i can't let people see i'm still weak where all this is concerned. that i'm still hurting like it just happened. i want to numb myself, but i don't want to disappoint anyone or betray anyone's trust. i want to not feel for the next 4 months. i swear i'll be straight for tweakers birthday. just until after mom's then i'll get back on track. i just miss her so much. it's never an easy solution is it? trying to figure out what's right when knowing something so stupid, so bad can make every single feeling you have simply melt away and not exsist. it's a matter of do i do what's right or do i do what's easy. i know the anwser. it's right in front of my face. i can get through this. i have to get through this straight. i owe it to all three of them for putting up with all of my shit for the last year. i owe it to my mom to do something right by her. i'll just take it one step at a time. - 10 * 18 * 01 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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