akira's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- nightmares I haven't had the urge to write lately. It's like I'm wanting to hide away in the coner of my mind and forget all that's going on in there. But I know that if I don't purge these thoughts they'll consume me and drive me into an even darker place. I've been rid of nightmares for a couple of weeks now until lastnight. I haven't had one this bad for months. I'm borderline psychotic right now. I can't figure out if I want to slam dope, cry, or slice myself open to be rid of this feeling. I called Riley and asked him if I could just talk to him for a while, he did one step better and met with me between classes. Totally off the record he said I might want to think about going on some medication until this passes. I've been doing drugs almost 3 times a day for the past month or so, minus a couple of days here and there (including the last 5). At first it was to calm the feelings that I felt about my daughter starting school - a control issue. Then it turned into making myself forget about this Halloween. If J had not died, this October 31st, he and I were going to get married. He went away to get straight so he could be a good husband/father figure. Instead he continued to use and fate delt the cards which are now my life. I hadn't thought about this whole thing until I found a 2000 calander that I had when I was 23 with the whole thing written out on the inside back cover. I didn't want to get all mopey and sad during my favorite holiday, especially since we are going to Disneyland for it. So I punked out. Simple. I'm not proud of it. I'm weak because I'm choosing to do something stupid. But this is me. A constant fucking mistake in the making. Back to the nightmare. I dread writing about it but I know that I have to. It was more like a flash back when my cousin's "friends" decided to take turns having a 8 year old. There were 4 of them but lucky me I got it 6 times (two of them were man enough for round 2). One would hold me down, the other would go at it. As if the nightmare couldn't get worse? Then were the dreams that my daughter is getting raped by someone I know and I'm frozen. I can't do anything. I just stand there and watch not doing anything. Those are always fun. When he was finished with her he left her lying on the floor blood all around her, and only then can I move. I held her in my arms hysterical while she cried and cried it hurts At that point I woke up. FUCKING LOVELY! Ok so where's the release I'm suppose to have? Where the flying fuck is the relief in tension? Maybe it takes time. I don't fucking know. Maybe the Riley's right. Maybe I should think about getting put into a hospital. I know I need to SOMEFUCKING thing about this. *sigh* Ok I'm done sharing for the day. I'm sorry if anyone got offended by what I wrote. Ave )O( Akira - 10 * 4 * 00 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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