akira's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- over take me ok so this isn't fair. i hold everything in. it's like holding your breath underwater watching swirling images of familiar friends faces fading. (that was waaay too many f words for my liking) it's growing blacker in my mind lately. i knew this was coming sooner or later. i can only hold it off for so long before it just over takes me totally. i hate being like this from manic to depressed to manic to depressed. it never stops. the highs and lows so extreme. i have no escape anymore. she's taken away the only thing i've ever known to stop or slow it down. i don't have my music anymore. i'm failing as a mother, that shows in the way things are effecting my daughter and how everyone looks at me like "your daughter is SO rude". everything i've known for a lifetime is gone. so this is where i stand now. trying to figure out if it's worth trying for anymore. if it's worth my fighting to stay on top. always holding my breath for the next accusation, the next blow trying to take me down. this is my life. this is where i have to live. this is who i've got to be, i've got no choice. *ding* i promised someone something once. that i'd never smoke drugs because that's what crack heads do. slamming drugs was fine. snorting drugs was fine. but smoking. NO. i promised him. then why did i do it with her? because just like with him i was trying to connect with her. trying to be a part of a world i knew nothing about or was told to never have anything to do with. i wanted to show her that i wanted to share this with her. he told me that if i ever did that he would never forgive me. he would never be there for me again. maybe that's why he's letting all this dark shit come creeping back in. akira - ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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