akira's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- not happy Many people will walk in and out of your life, If someone betrays you once, it is his fault; I'm not a happy Akira today. I haven't been all fucking day! I'm angry, I'm scared, I'm fucking losing my mind. I would kill or die right now to have a FAT fucking syringe full of ANYFUCKING THING! I want to scream, I want to beat the shit out of anyone, anything. My stomach hurts from holding this bullshit in. I AM SO FUCKING STUPID! That fucking stupid cunt. Why the hell didn't she go somewhere else?? Why the fuck did she come here. Why the fuck did she involve ME?? YOU FUCKING WHORE! YOU STUPID FUCKING BITCH! explanation...my friend that got raped...hehe that's a laugh. i'm the only person that believes her..go fig...riley mentioned to me that i'm going to have to go before a court when/if this whole thing goes to trial...not a good thing for akira...i will more then likely get cross examined...really not a good thing...my past could be brought up...my living situation could be brought up cps could be involved....ya i'm paranoid...hell ya I'm SO fucking scared. I have the BEST support system in the entire world. My boy...there are not words to describe him...my daughters father...no matter how he treats me, he's still fucking wonderful when he knows I'm having a hard time...then there's my tweaker friend..she's just as fucking amazing as the boys! It's not that I'm worried about. I'm not sure I can handle all this. I haven't been in anything like this since all that shit. Even then it was just mediation. No court. No jury. Nothing. Just some impartial person (a priest in disguise) asking me questions for the lawyers. So help me. I swear to the powers that be..I'll hang her ass out to dry before I lose ANYTHING! I'm the only fucking person that believes her anymore anyway. Today was a bad day all the way around. My daughters school called wondering where she was (she was sick for 3 days so I being a good mom kept her home to get better). To most people this says, the school is keeping track for the state. To me this says...their watching me...recording everything. Their not my friends like her daycare was..they don't know me. The fucking person that called wasn't even someone that I KNEW! She's MY daughter! It doesn't matter to YOU where she is! *thinking* This sounds vaguely familiar. *sigh* I'm thankful for the people in my life. Each of them hold something keeping me from falling off the edge. Why they waste their time with me is a question for the powers that be. I love them. I'm amazed they've stuck it out as long as they have. My daughters father, who is blissfully ignorant of my life, is someone that's been there for what seems like forever. Supporting me in, at times, every way. My boy *smile* I still don't know what I did right in my life to have him as a gift. He's walked with me through fire. I've made life, not just unbearable for him, it's been painful for him. He's been there holding, scolding, comforting through every single bit of it. Tweaker, *giggle* she's someone I just met. Yet amazingly...she possess so much of what I need. It must be the filipuny in her. She's fucking this part of me that I've been lacking. The powerful, strength side of me. The part of me I knew I had in me, but couldn't find since J died. I'm more complete, more....ME. Finally, my Internet soulmate...the one person that's SUCH a part of me that I've never met him...Parzzival...my buttless pants, pink feather boa wearing, savior. Answering anything, discussing anything, saying what I NEED to hear. Through all the bullshit, all the fucked up images I've shared, all the hate, all the sickness, all the drugs, all the booze. He's still willing to see me as an innocent, truthful, person who will never leave. *evil giggle, whispers* he still doesn't realize I'm stalking him. LMAO Yet still...there's more. I'm so fucking thankful and SO fucking lucky to have them. Some people go through life without ever knowing anyone who's amazing. I've known SO many fucking amazingly wonderful, powerful people it's a blessing. Yet with my coven of people. I know I have to deal with this on my own. There's nothing anyone can do. Nothing anyone can say. As much as I love everyone. As much as I KNOW they are there for me....I'm alone. I am having to walk this alone. Back to the basics. Ave )o( Akira - 10 * 20 * 00 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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