akira's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- downward i go I fucking hate this. I hate people. I hate protesters, yes even you Missy Mango. I realize that they have the right to free speech that most people were just doing it for kicks, but you know what your free speech bullshit imposed on MY freedom. So to that I say fuck you. I don't like other people being able to fuck with my life ESPECIALLY when that means making me HAVE to fight to get to school! That's when I become violent, irrate and really unreasonable. I don't like being pushed into a position to have to hurt someone but goddamn it I will if I have to. So that's my bitch about protesters. Now on to other news. i'm starting my last month of school on wednesday. I'm not as excited as I thought I would be. I mean ya I'm happy to be out of that fucking place and away from all the fucking tweekers but..that's about it. I still have to find an extern site (though technically it's the schools job to do this) and I've got a 4+ hour test to take in order to do so. I think this mod I might have actually made the honor roll. I wonder if I'll get one of those nifty stickers for my car??? you know something? trying to put peices back together after everythings fallen apart is easy. that is....until you actually have to start showing people that your better then you were when you starting picking those peices up. you see...i made this promise to my mom, when i graduated i would take her ashes up and spread them where she wanted, not really realizing that eventually i would have to honor that promise, not really realizing that i would indeed eventually graduate. now here it is. time of truth. i;m not sure if i can do it. does it make me a bad daughter? going back on a promise is something that i never do, not unless it's out of my control.it's something that i have to think over. pondering this and that lately. sometimes i just get sick of it all ready to just walk away and forget even trying anymore. really now what's the point. what if i fail miserably? what if i can't cut it out there in the real world where i hate people and most everyone in it? the only plus is that i get to hurt people and no one gets to say a fucking thing about it. so i'm in one of those cycles now. voodu has pissed me off to the point where i just want to say fuck you to her and that's it. she can't let go of my past, of my mistakes that i've made before she was even a fucking though in my life. and somehow i'm just suppose to forgive all the bullshit she spews from her fucking mouth. so now i'm not only responsible and in debt for HER fucking sorry ass mistakes but mine as well. and none of them are her fucking business. when things went wrong for her i never once sat there and got pissed off at her or went off on her. ok ya i called pathetic excuse for a mother up and cussed her out but it was WAY past time for that. but that's all i've done. the rest of the time i just listen and tell her everything will be fine. and it is. i told her once when i'm done with something i'm done with it. before it was the drugs that made me want to leave her. she got way too out of control and i'm half to blame. i was having fun and i really didn't care that it was costing me my relationship with her. i may not have had a problem but she sure as hell did, and i should have seen it. hell i couldn't save J what made me think i could save her while she was in that deep right? the longer i'm with her the more i realize i miss him. his calmness and level head were probably the only thing about him that he gave me. i love my girlfriend. i don't want to leave her but i think that maybe it's time for us to spit up. i can't take the constant bullshit that she gives me. about my ex, about my choices in action of doing or not doing things when she wants, on the people i talk to in school, how i decided to talk to. she doesn't trust me where drugs are concerned and still to this fucking day questions me about shit. i mean fuck i'm accounted for every fucking second of my day either i'm at school or i'm with her. I'M the one who should be questioning HER! but do i? no, why? because i trust her, even though i shouldn't. she's never given me one reason to trust her. she betrayed my trust eons ago and never bothered to try and regain it. i dunno man lifes a bitch ave )O( Akira
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