akira's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- back again It's been forever since I've written. I've missed my little happy dots oh so much. My little Harley Quinn at the bottom greeting me with wide smiles. I'm listening to Christina Aguleria. Why???? Because my daughter has me sing this fucking song to her almost every day. And since the damn song is in my head, I figure what the hell. Actually it was in my head and the only way I can get a song outta my head is to hear it....there ya go. Turkey day was great. I had my friends over, escaped the "Family Holiday" so it was blissful. ... ... That was written two days ago. I've gotten scolded by my boy and Missy Mango. This isn't the best frame of mind for me to be writing in but so be it. Recap on the world as I live in it for the past couple of weeks...hmm..I found out that my father is much sicker then I once though he was. He's got testicular cancer, emphysema, and now apparently he's got throat cancer. I'm a daddy's girl through and through. He's the only person in my life that has been able to crush me and hurt me through just words. Now the prospect that he's going to leave me....let's just say that it doesn't set well with me. The hiatus On top of my daddy being sick, on top of the court and DA thing, on top of both of those things...J's b-day is in a week. Normally I'd be totally fucked up for this. I'd find someone to give me something for this heartache I'm feeling. But...I've done this HUGE no no and I'm trying to make good for it. See on Saturday I got my lip pierced. *grin* This comes with MUCH disapproval from my boy, who thinks I should just obey and be done with it. I did it a totally sneaky way, behind his back, deceitful and wrong. But I wanted it, he didn't, I won. Period. Why??? I'm not sure. I feel like I'm losing myself. It's like that whole, I'm acting a part that's not me thing goin on. It has to totally do with J. I know that much. It's like I don't' want to be who I was after he died, yet I don't want to resemble the person he left, but I want to be that little girl he fell in love with. I'm confused. So so confused. His brother told me once after he passed away, "It took you 12 years to fall in love with him. What makes you think that you'll fall out of love with him and not miss him after just a year?" I didn't realize how true that was until just recently. All my beliefs mean nothing. I can tell people until I'm blue in the face, "They see what's going on. They see us and our achievements." It's bullshit to me. All of it. *ding* *ding* Ave )O( Akira - 11 * 30 * 00 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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