akira's diary

akira's Diaryland Diary

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after the thanks

i talked via aim with the princess herself...mistress dana tonight. it was nice. talking with someone who's been around from the old days. it's odd talking with someone after so long and having to catch them up on things ya know? god she's grown up so fucking much. when i first started talking to her she was like something of 14 or so? and now she's 17. i remember being that age. life is so hard, confusing, mean. people want to tell you who you should be, what you should do. fuck that baby. do things that make you happy. just be safe about it. don't get pregnant, and stay away from drugs. those are the only things that you should worry about, other then that life is safe.

*ding* my ex's birthday is coming up. j. the one person in my life that meant something special to me. that's not to say that my baby girl and my girlfriend don't it just means that he's someone that meant so much to me.

"Everything I am,

And everything in me,

Wants to be the one you wanted me to be.

Ill never let you down,

Even if I could,

Give up everything,

If only for your good, "

He taught me about myself. Told me that I don't have to afraid anymore. He loved me without fault. Saw that I was this scared little thing that needed this guidance. His birthday is on December 7th. As far as I'm concerned it should be this federal holiday. LMAO ok that just some funny fucking shit eh?

*ding* i've been drinking. can you tell???? things have been swirling through my head again and I can't tell voodu. what if she gets mad? what if she gets all fucking upset that I'm having fucking problems in my head again? what do i do then? she doesn't get it. she doesn't see how my mind works!

*ding* burning wants to be felt. cutting* but i can't do that because of school. i need a fucking release. i need a way to let go of this fucking pain i'm holding on to. i don't do it because i want to. i do it because people hurt when i feel. people start using. people leave. people don't know how to deal with it. that's my life. the hurt me. they leave me. they start using because dealing with me is to hard. this is my life. this is what i make people do. and no one see's this. and this is my legacy that i give to my daughter. i just want out now. and this.....this...is the shit i can't tell people. but you know what???? i deal with it. i swallow my anger...my pain...my sadness..and i go through my days. people don't see that fucking hurt on my face because that would mean i'm weak. that would mean that i have a way to be hurt. being mad....being mean is eaiser than being hurt. it's eaiser to deal with.....and drugs....drugs aren't just a way to cope baby...that's just a way to make life just a little less painful for me. it's just a way to make MY fucking life a little less painfully so fuck you if i seem weak...fuck you if i seem "SAD" for using drugs to cope. you've never walked in my shoes...you've never been me....you life has been one easy little thing after another.

ok so maybe that wasn't fair. but you life compared to mine isn't easy and you know that. i'm doing this alone....even if you are there baby your not feeling the things i am. your not me. you can't be. i don't blame you baby. i swear. but being me...hehe...that just may kill you, so it can't be you.

"Now roaming through this darkness,

I’m alive but I’m alone,

Part of me is fighting this, but part of me is gone. "

i can't walk away from it.

this IS my life.

this is who i am.

this is the legacy that i leave.

nothing i do can change it.

this is who i am.

this is what i'm suppose to feel.

pain.

anger.