akira's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Jay & Fuel As life would have it here I am again. Miserable, sad, depressed, wanting to slice every single part of my life out leaving only my shattered self. I should know better then to allow myself to be truly happy. To enjoy anything without suffering in my life does not exist. Everyone had the very best intentions for me. Everyone wanted me to enjoy myself, and I did. OH MY GOD I DID! FUEL WAS AMAZING!!! BRETT WAS AMAZING!!! L.A. was AMAZING!!! Fuel is playing in my area over the next couple of months…support for Aerosmith in August, and at B.F.D. in June. I can’t go to either of them due to funds and my lack of them. I love Fuel, and the thought of NOT going to see them even though I’ve seen them MANY MANY times before makes me beyond sad. Well Fuel was going to be on the Jay Leno show and Tweaker and my boy being the kind hearted, loving souls they are decided that I should go to see them there. Tweaker and I left at 12:00 MIDNIGHT from the San Francisco area and arrived in Los Angeles at 6:30 in the morning, DRIVING STRAIGHT THROUGH! See when you go to see a show like that the tickets are on a first come first serve basis. Tweaker had her mind set that I WOULD get tickets…PERIOD! Once we got down there I was the third person in line. Tickets given out at 8 am I find out that just because you have tickets doesn’t mean that you’re going to get in. You have to come back at 12 NOON to assure your seats in the audience! So away to our hotel room we go, of course Tweaker doesn’t like the room and automatically starts looking for another one. We get to that room, take a shower and head back to NBC studios. ::IT’S NOW 1:00 PM (still NO sleep mind you):: We were numbers 23 and 24 in line!!! WHOO HOOO Long story short…if you watched Jay Leno that night the loud scream that you hear when they introduce Fuel was ME :o)! AND…every time you see Brett look up from the mic stand..he’s looking at me. For getting in at those numbers I had THE BEST SEATS IN THE PLACE! No camera blocked my view, no one was in front of me. Just my eyes on him. HEAVENLY! There’s more to the story of Fuel but…I’m keeping that to myself. No I didn’t get to meet him or anyone else for that matter. But I’ll always consider that my gift from my mom. L.A. is just too ME! I’d say that I’m gonna run away from home and live there, but at 28 it’s no longer running away, it’s considered moving out. I fit in well there. Well at least on Melrose I do. You wouldn’t think Melrose now would you?? But yep, Melrose is SO my kind of place. The stores, the people, the clubs. WOW! Just WOW man. When we got back things were ok. I guess. Something’s wrong with me. With the way I’m thinking or how I’m dealing with things I dunno. I hate being here. I hate being ME right now. NOT doing drugs is harder then it was before I left. Not wanting to just check out and say FUCK YOU to everyone is really hard. I ignored Mother’s Day just like I said I would. I’m being crushed under my own breath it seems like. I feel like I don’t belong. I don’t belong to the house. To my daughter. To my life. I’ve never felt so detached before. Maybe I found myself when I went away. Maybe I don’t belong here I’m just trying TOO hard to make it work? I don’t know what it is. I DO know that I don’t like it. I DO know that I want things to change. I want my life back to the chaos and disorder that I’m use to. Ave )O( Akira - 5 * 16 * 01 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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