akira's Diaryland Diary

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thoughts & crawl

so ya i'm a bit buzzed tonight. what else is new? it kinda sucks making an entry lately. i have to write in our email forum. i can't..or rather my boy can't find a forum for me that will work on our puter. *scoffs* oh well. i'm adapting well *this said while bitching at him* hehe

his being home (fucking dotcommers) hasn't been all that bad. it's been really helpful actually. ya i get annoyed with how much PS2 he's playing (fucking grand tourismo bullshit), but when i come home to a clean house and shit...how can i bitch (though i find a way, poor things..lol )?

it's two hours into my b-day. my boy and tweaker are playing GrandTourismo and i haven't gotten a "Happy Birthday" praise yet. hehe it's ok though. someone just won something really fucking important and their happy so.

it's not like i'm disturbed about my being 28. most people tell me i don't look like i'm my age. i don't feel my age.

what is age really anyway??? who said just because your an ADULT you have to be all stuffy and boring? it that written into that whole "No placing your elbows on the table thing?"

Who can do that anyway??? I don't know about you, but when i eat Buffalo Wings i MUST place my elbows on the table..if nothing more then reenforcement!

two days before my b-day at work i got an ice cream cake. we were suppose to go out that night, the clan of us. however we didn't, go fig. i'm too "mommyly" for people to want to go out and get drunk with. i'm more of the designated driver sort to them i guess. akira at home...YA! going out to a club nah *shakes head*.

:: confession ::
i was disappointed sure. we've either gone out or done something special for other people and it didn't happen for me. i was upset that we did something for that fucking cunts b-day, taking that stupid whore out in MY car, yet there was nothing done for me. but i dealt with it well. can you tell??? hehe
however....it's been really busy at work.

OH MY GOD I'M A FUCKING SELFISH BITCH!!!

you know i never realized i had that capability within me. to have feelings like that. ok ya sure with family, with "close" friends. but never just out in the open like that. i must say i'm impressed. so i've been selfish. *evil grin*

is a new side of Akira coming out? am i emerging from that hidden part of me? *manical giggle* no. i am who i am. good. bad. or other wise.

i do feel lost right now. i am feeling a bit displaced, like i'm watching my life from a far. it happens. i'll learn from the mistakes (thus far missing from this episode) and move on.

i called Riley not long ago. just after new years. i've missed having those "theraputic sessions" with him. i never realized just how much they helped me. i rang him, said the typical "Happy New Year" greetings.

we chatted, got caught up. he's had to drop out of school, sad to say. his grandfather passed away and he's having to help the family with the business of death and what not. *sigh* i was HIS "mental healthy" for once. he said he's been thinking about me a lot lately. what with J's b-day just before the holidays and the festivites coming about.
(still with all he's going through he was worried about me. how sweet.)
i told him, i'm here if he ever needs someone to bitch at, to vent toward, just basically be pissed off..feeling lost. i told him how he was more then just a "psycho doctor doogie to me" he was my friend. and oh how i have few of them.
as he was saying good-bye to me he said "your role in life is that of a watcher. your to watch over your slayer, being your daughter. make her your goal in life. not only will you succeed, you'll triumph." putting it in those terms..it makes SO much more sense to me. go fig.

Crawling in my skin
These wounds they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real

There's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface
Consuming, confusing
This lack of self control I fear is never ending
Controlling, I can't seem

To find myself again
My walls are closing in
(Without a sense of confidence and I'm convinced
That it's just too much pressure to take)
I've felt this way before
So insecure

Crawling in my skin
These wounds they will not heal
Fear is how i fall
Confusing what is real

Discomfort, endlessly has pulled itself upon me
Distracting, reacting
Against my will I stand beside my own reflection
It's haunting how I can't seem..

To find myself again
My walls are closing in
(Without a sense of confidence and I'm convinced
That it's just too much pressure to take)
I've felt this way before
So insecure

Crawling in my skin
These wounds they will not heal
Fear is how i fall
Confusing what is real

Ave )O( Akira

- 1 * 7 * 01

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