akira's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- rambling on Writing for the sake of writing really. I've been numb since Friday. Not really sure how to feel what to think. Then again am I suppose to? Probably not. I keep thinking that I should wake up. Like this is all a dream, like this isn't real, I'll wake up and call my mom, shoot the shit, and still go up in Feb like I'm suppose to. Her birthday is just a couple of weeks away. February 19th, she's suppose to be 50. How I believe about death is going directly against what I'm feeling. I want her here still. I want my daughter to know what a great woman her Grandma D was. I didn't get to say good-bye to her, just like J and his bro or Simba. She was alone. I wish I had gone up when I was suppose to. I cry in the shower. Crying around my support posse hurts them. They don't tell me that but I can see it in their faces. They can't make things better for me, or easier. They don't know what to do, and there isn't anything they can do. I just have to deal and move on. Tweaker, my boy, and my daughters dad are the best fucking support group I could ever ask for. They've been beyond amazing. Thank you guys. They took all my razors and lighters. I've got several slices on my arms already. I'm fighting with myself not to slice more, it's just that it feels right to hurt myself. I feel guilty that I wasn't a good daughter to her. I feel like I should be hurting or sick or something. Fuck I don't know. I'm just rambling. Trying to keep my mind busy and off of tomorrow. Ave - 1 * 28 * 00 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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