akira's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i dunno I haven't been updating much. I feel like I'm neglecting my baby here. It's not that I'm not coming online, I am. Only it's just to catch up on my fixations that's all. Pischina, thank you from the bottom of my heart for your kind words. Through all this shit going on, I realize that I am really thankful for what she did get to experince and see. If you don't read Pischina's diary you'll never know will you?? hehe As far as my dealing with my mom, umm..ok..well I haven't. On saturday we have this memorial for her, I'm just going through the motions at this point. I've decided to go back to work the week after it, maybe it'll distract me enough to cope better. Last weekend, I totally lost it. It was the first time I'd been really alone since this whole thing happened. I wasn't in the right frame of mind, feeling totally lost. I did what came naturally to me and I called my mom. It wasn't until I heard MY voice on the anwsering machine that I realized what I did. I flipped out, looked for a razor, a lighter, basically anything to hurt myself with. No luck. I know that I should be dealing with this now, instead of whenever the hell I completely lose my sanity, but I can't do it right now, or maybe I just don't want to do it now. Who knows. Tweaker tells me that I have to deal with it. I have to stop hiding from it. It's caused some arguments between us, I realize what she's saying, and I agree. But she doesn't realize (and I don't expect her to) what I've been through in my life. All the shit I've even been through the only one constant person there to hold me, my hand, give me a shoulder, never pass judgement...the only person ALWAYS there for me was my mom. Not my daddy, not friends, no one except her. She always stood by me. Right, wrong, or otherwise. And now...now I don't have that. And I'm scared to admit it outloud because it becomes way to real for me to handle. The minute I realize what's goin on, ya I hide. I distract myself with other trival things. I'll deal with it when I can. When I'm ready. It goes deeper then just accepting it. I can't change it. I can't fix it. I can't make it go away. It's never going to be the same for me. Never. But then again, that's how my life has always been. Things happen in my life that change things. BLAH Ok enough. I can't do this anymore. Thank you to Pischina again. Kind words help heal a wounded heart. Ave )O( Akira btw HAPPY V.D. - 2 * 14 * 01 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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