akira's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i love you #2 ... Monday was the long drive up to my Ma's. When we got to the house it looked like there had been some chaos. Things in their place but all mixed up in some way. It looked like she had just run to the store because she had forgotten something. Her electric blanket was still on, her lunch still waiting to be made on the counter, the blood testing kit still waiting to be used. We set to picking up the house, I couldn't stand seeing it like that. Washing dishes, making the bed, picking up the garbage. I was looking for something, anything to show me what had happened on Friday. Honestly I was looking for her. After going through the living room and her bedroom, I went into the spare room. All of the x-mas gifts and b-day gifts were sitting there waiting for us to come up in a couple of weeks. She even had it marked on the calendar "Kids Here" February 9th. My uncle had taken anything of improtance incase anyone broke in. Her jewelry, important papers, etc. After a while he, his wife, and my Nana came up. We had to go down to the mortuary to sign papers and get things started. I decided to have her cremated. She wanted her ashes spread over her two favorite places on earth so I'm seeing that it's done. On the way down I had my mind set...block everything out unless it's something that you don't like. We were met by Brad, he was great, made things really uncomplicated for us. Explained everything out without too much detail. After things were completed he asked if anyone wanted to see my mom. My Nana and I were the only ones. He went to make certin things were in order and told us that because she was being cremated there had been nothing done to her so we had to be careful not to lean on her or hug her too tight. He opened the door, at the end of a row of chairs, on a streatcher was my mom. Covered by a blue furrish blanket, eyes closed, peaceful. She looked like she was sleeping only her eyes were fully closed. My Nana wept, said how it's not fair, stroked her hair, and wept some more. Then that was it she was done. I told her that I'd be right out. I stared at her for a while just looking at her, I swear I could see her breathing. I could see her eyebrows move the way they did whenever she slept. I touched her cheek and asked her to wake up. I begged with her to please please wake up. I kept expecting her to open her eyes. Her face was droopy, her ears bruised a deep purplish colour, she was wearing her black pullover hoodie that my uncle had bought her last x-mas with her olive green sweatshirt under. I could only see the top half of her chest. I wanted so badly to pull the blankets back and rub her hand like I did when I was little. Measuring her fingers against mine to see how much I'd grown. It wasn't....and still isn't real to me. Brad peeked his head in after a couple of minutes. He didn't say why I couldn't stay longer but I knew it was because no prep had been done. Knowing that I still didn't want to leave. I didn't want to leave my mom with strangers. I didn't want to leave her period. Eventually I did though. I walked away from seeing my mom for the very last time in my life. I asked her to watch over my baby, help her make the right choices in life, to help keep her safe. I asked her to never leave me, to show herself to me in only the way that she can. I didn't say good-bye to her, I couldn't. I said I love you. I've taken too wearing the same perfume she wore and sleeping with one of her sweaters. Hoping that I can have a connection with her still. Hoping that eventually, I'll be able to hear her voice again saying "Another tattoo??" *smile* - 2 * 2 * 01 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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