akira's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 7*3*02 so obvioulsy there's no love lost here. lie. there is. we both have changed maybe what we've been through is just too muc for any fucking relationship to sustain. in anycase we both have changed. some for the better. some for the worse. i've learned to accept that i can't change the hands of fate. i can't correct the wrong doings of others. i look at her lying there. i know in my soul she's the only person i've really ever trusted. i know that she's the only one i ever want to have touch me in anyway. the shit that happened with my dad fucked me harder then i let her realize. i'm actually scared of men now. i'm scared to trust. i'm scared to let them near me. god mentally i'm so fucked up. i have been. i've been playing it off. trying to make things ok. they aren't. i'm not. i'm straight. off drugs for the first time in........what a year????? i'm fucking scared. i'm so fucking scared. but you know what??? i'm doing it. I'M FUCKING DOING IT!!!!! so fuck you world. fuck you Father Patrick. i'm NOT nothing. i'm not some pathetic waste of space that my parents happen to create on some careless night of passion. i'm fucking someone. september. i start school in september. i'm GOING to pass all my classes. i'm GOING to get my certificate. i'm GOING to show EVERY FUCKING SOUL I'M BETTER THEN THEY ARE! i just wish my mom was here. god i fucking need her right now. FUCK YOU GOD! FUCK YOU! i dealt with things. that was the problem wasn't it? i took all you had to give me and just kept on going! i'm sorry. mom i'm so sorry. 'kira - july 3 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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