akira's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- J's b-day The last couple of weeks I must admit have been kind of a blurr. I've not been at home much, and when I am I'm pre-occupied by my life. I'm doing the double role of "mother" and "party woman". My true colours shine through every now and again. It's my nature to be out in the darkness and moonlight. I haven't been a great person as of recent. I know why, I'm disturbed and upset at myself. It's been 3 fucking years...you'd think I'd realize that he's not comming back. But I don't and still get disappointed that he's not there for me to give a ring to to say I love you too. :o( I know that in my soul just how much J leaving has to do with my choices now. I realize that he's the reason I had drugs infront of my face and didn't do them. FUCKING JOHN EDWARD man. *giggle* He said how "he's watching me and he's not pleased with my choices but he's happy that I'm choosing better" I chose better today so J had better be pleased. ... Tomorrow/today (depending on your placement on the earth) is J's b-day. It's been three years since I could call him and say "Happy Birthday" to him. Three years since I could give him - French Roast coffee...freshly ground. :0) That's all he ever really wanted from me. When I'd ask him what he wanted for his birthday...it was always "french roast coffee..freshly ground". Totally low matinance. J and I use to listen to James Taylor. Early in the morning after everyone had left for work. Slow dancing on his bed. Holding eachother lost in the rythm and vibe. The soft notes floating around us. I could smell him. Almost intoxicating. The soft yellow of the sun filtering in from the early morning warming us. Him in my arms, me in his. Gliding back and forth to James Taylor. "How sweet it is (to be loved by you)" This is how things were with us. Through the anger and violence. The drugs and hate. This was my boy. This was the man that I fell inlove with. He'd wake up before me, always. Go down stairs. Make a nice HUGE breakfast (eggs, toast, pancakes, bacon, sauasge the works). Bring it up to me in bed, spent from a night of amazement. Kiss my cheek, run his hand over my face softly, kissing my forehead calling my name. After breakfast...on went the stereo with James. He's take my hand. And we would dance. Slowly. Lost in the music, in eachother. This is the bliss. The heaven that I knew. This is what I miss. It's been three years and this fucking pain I've hidden comes out now. I should be able to call him and tell him I love him. I should be able too. It's not fair that I can't. Leaving people who you love. Losing out on a life. Missing the stupid little things in life. This is what drugs do to you. This is what you miss out on. THIS SHIT! I hate not having him in my life. Using or not. I miss you J. I miss those fucking fights we had about you using. About me using. It's like losing him all over again. All over again. I'm full of anger, and hate, and total loss. Then when I need to be numb, I'll use the same fucking drug that killed him to heal me. To mend my sad and hurt soul. Something to get by. Isn't that how he started? Because he couldn't be without me??? Exactly. Numb up the black shit. I go through this every fucking year. I know when his birthday and his anniversary come around I totally blow it. But how the hell else do you get over death??? *evil grin* Most "normal" people just deal with it, right?? Well A) I'm not normal. B) It's my life, so back the fuck off. ... I have nothing else to say. Ave J. My heart. My soul. My faith reiside in you baby. I know you'll heal me, you'll make life safe for my baby girl. Walk beside her when she needs you. Carry her when she's in-need of support. Be her god. Bella - J's b-day ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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