akira's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- what's wrong i couldn't finish the last entry .... somehow there's this part of me that hates emotion. odd some say. all i wanted was to be left alone. all alone. i didn't want to talk to anyone. i don't want to discuss anything. just be left alone. i don't want to be asked over and over again "what's wrong" it's none of anyone's fucking business. i wasn't giving attitude. i was staying away from everyone. ok sure it looked odd to hide. when doesn't it? i don't ask for anything from anyone *thinking* at least i don't think i do. i asked to be left alone. that's all. go ahead assume the worst. think i'm fucking up again. i really don't care. how dare anyone give me shit for wanting to be left alone for a while. slam your doors. curse under your breath...but just do what i fucking asked. that's all. nothing more. maybe less. words hurt. lack of words hurt much more, though i never thought that to be true. this is all on me right now. all of it. the dark. the sadness. the sickness. manifested in my mind for my hidden insecurities to play with. thoughts float through my head my daddy's family doesn't care about him. they never fucking have. he was mine and my mothers problem, NEVER theirs. NEVER why am i so fucking pissed off? because they are sitting around watching him do this to himself. because i'm being a selfish little bitch and not saying anything. why was i hiding? why was i crying to a towel? because i wanted to be with my daddy tonight. i wanted to see him. i think about him coming home to no one after work. spending nights alone. his girlfriend is fucking cunt. i fucking hate the bitch, she's worthless. he's alone basically. i cried because he spent x-mas with his fucking cunts family and i didn't get to see him. i cried because i didn't want to see him while he was drunk. i want to remove myself from my life right now. being alive is just too real. to painful. it's just too much for me to deal with. the truth is i just want to bow out for a while. i have no time to lick my wounds and heal anymore. not that i'm regreting anything. i just need time. i need to be left alone. i shove all this shit inside of me. bury it deep, down somewhere within me. i don't think about it. i pretend it doesn't exsist. if reality becomes too harmfull it needs to go. so let it be. damn what a wonderful x-mas. i think these things. i have these feelings in me. i get ideas in my head of escape, santuary, nothingness. through all of this shit. all these fucked up thoughts and ideas. i take people for a ride with me. ok so it's not as extreme as mine. i look in their faces and remember why i stay. hehe i stay for my stray cats. all of them. i love each of them, hope that i don't scar them too bad for maturity when they move on in life. ave - 12 * 26 * 00 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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