akira's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- confusion & angst the booze is hitting me expect confusion and chaos in my thought process. thank god for spell check haha depression sucks. i left my girl with her fathers parents today and for the next two days. i have no choice really. well i do but then the poor child will be stuck in at my work for over two weeks. they ruined her father as a human being. heaven only knows what they'll do in three days. i hate having nightmares. really hate them. lastnight was so horrid for me. much too vivid for my liking. *random thought* if i hadn't had the life that i had, would i still be the same person i am??? would i still look at the world through these tinted lenses? would i still expect people to do the worst to me? fate is an odd thing. i've met people that have loved me. i've met people who've seen me as someone that is strong. while all that time i know it's all a front. it's bullshit. always will be. i don't like to cry infront of people. i think it's weak of me. yet i've only done it to a few select people. people i trust. usually i'll cry in the shower. or when i'm alone. tears show weakness. (for me that is). mom left today. lastnight i had this dream that she passed away and i didn't get to say good-bye to her like it should have been. thinking about losing my parents tweaks me out. it's like i know what losing someone is like now..i realize that it's something that's WAY beyond. trying to imagine what would happen if i lost one of them....umm...NO! but my mommy looks good. i want to call my daddy (he's much sicker then my mom) and tell him that i love him. but i can't. i looked at my daughter tonight..watching how she acts. i'm in trouble. a mini version of me. thoughts and all. Happy Holidays to all.. (incase I don't update) Ave )O( Akira - 12 * 19 * 00 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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