akira's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- runaway It's been forever since I've felt like this. I think I'm going through life faking it at this point. My mommy came down for the "traditional" x-mas party. She stayed with us lastnight. Damn I can't even complete a fucking thought right now. It's amazing how much life can slap you in the face when you think things are good. Something I really hate HATE is when someone comes up to me and says "Your mom looks really good" like this is some fucking suprise right? How the fuck else is she suppose to look? I made my mom, uncle (her bro) and my Nana this collage picture thingie. It's got a TON of pictures of our family in it. My god father/mother, who passed away almost 10 years ago. Pics of my Papa (mom's dad) and the four generations (mom, my daughter, nana, and me). I only finished one so I gave it to person I see the least, my uncle since I can give it to my Nana at any time. He opened it and started crying. My Uncle, my Papa, and my Daddy are the three favorite men in the entire world. I'm a daddy's girl through and through. I'm making him the same kind of present. I hope he doesn't start crying. I think I might just die. I've made him cry twice. Once when I told him what happened when I was 5, the other was when he was in a re-hab and I was suppose to tell him how his drinking had hurt me and how he dissappointed me. I was the last person to speak, I looked him in the eyes and told him "I'm just happy to have my Daddy back." Every single person was crying including the councelor. This kid I work with...it's odd really. I was talking with this kid, just general talk. He pops out with how I'm "An amazing person". I look all mean, angry, and cold, but when it comes down to it that's not me at all. Then Ex-Tweaker tells me that she's never met anybody like me. That I'm an extremly caring person. It's flattering. I wonder who they see when they look at me. Lately I can't barely look at myself in the mirror. I hate how I look. I hate seeing myself. "I can't hold on I feel sick - 12 * 18 * 00 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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