akira's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- drunken thoughts It strikes me that at times my life, effects other people on a level, that I can't understand. What I choose. What I want. How I live. This to me is really fucking odd. I've lived my life for me for so long that I can't comprehend the emotions others feel. Here I am. I thought I was going into a manic episode. Full of rage. Anger. Hate. Then today I realize.....it's not mania that I'm feeling....it's depression. Dark. Sad. Crying. Depression. It's been cooped up for months. I've been holding it at bay. Lying to myself all this shit I've been hiding. See right now I'm wanting to just fucking gut myself. Yet I know that I've lived through worse. I'm empty. I'm hiding behind this colourful mask. This "animated life" face. It's odd being the fixation of others. Worrying about you. Wondering when your gonna fuck up. I'm really fucking drunk tonight. It's the holidays so my boy can't afford the Absolut evil grin This is where I stand. In between what I feel and what I believe. I've not been the best person. My boy's been the heavy with my daughter. Her father has been around more then I have. How is this something that viable in her life?? Because...."These are the years of her life when importance of school matter. These are the years of her life that shape how she is going to be in HIGH SCHOOL" umm......sure. Like my life was based off of who I choose as friends in highschool. I DON'T THINK SO This is my life. I got into this discussion tonight with my boy. From his perception on my life I'm choosing the wrong things in life. See now this disturbs me. I don't do drugs actively anymore. I've stayed away from people he doesn't like or want me around. Jon's dead. J's dead. His brother is passed. Who else would I trip out over?? No one. thinking I'm on this really screwed up ISP right not. It's Prodigy. I like they layout. OK so my boy has tricked it out. I have Eeyore spinning around in the corner. How cool is that?? hehe I want to see the movie The Messenger. I don't know why. I've had this odd fascination with The Joan of Arch ever since I was younger. It's like she stood up against people who told her she was a bad person for what she believed. The burned her alive. To me that just seems plain painful. Ave )O( Akira - 12 * 11 * 00 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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