akira's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- crystal clear helloween use to be my favorite holiday there ever was. a time to dress up like someone else act like freak and everyone's alright with it. yesterday my friends and i went to the pumpkin festival (a localish street fair with a helloween flair). i had a great time, laughed, ate, etc. we booth drooled at this and that, typical things done at a street fair. then it all came to a halt. i was looking at this one booth that had sliver/jem jewlery and i saw this bracelet, really beautiful with my mom's birthstone and i thought "DAMN that's cheap and really nice. I should get it for her for x-mas". then reality set in. i don't need to buy her a present this year. i won't be hearing from her at helloween. i won't be seeing her at thanksgiving or at x-mas or my birthday or any of it. after the fair we went to get a pumpkin and the reality just kept getting clearer and clearer. i miss my mom. fuck the first holidays with out her. i don't want to celebrate anything. i just want to forget. i really thought i was doing better. i'm working now. trying to get my life back to some sense of order. but i'm really not dealing with it i guess. fuck it's been almost a year and i'm still feeling that same sense of emptyness and loss that i was when all this first went down. only now...it hurts worse. i don't want hugs or comfort i just want to get lost in this feeling of being cold. it's not wrong. it's a healthy NORMAL feeling. i know she's around. i hear her voice sometimes. or something happens that i can't explain and i just know it's her fucking with me as if to say "Ya I'm still around watching your ass. Shape up kid." sometimes i just need my mom ya know? no one can replace her. no one can make this go away. i just wish things were different somehow. happy helloween all Ave )O( Akira - 10 * 14 * 01 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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