akira's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- continued That last entry was a bit jumbled wasn't it? Since the begining of this year one thing after another has happened pushing me further and further into the place I am right now. I jump between mania and depression faster then I can blink sometimes. Jan. 26th was the one year anniversary of my losing my mom. It took me until September of last year to get myself out of the whole I had made for myself from losing her. It took my until Nov. of last year to even start speaking to my mom's side of the family again, so when the anniversary came around let's just say I wasn't really "with" it mentally. I called my Nana (my mom's mom) said that I loved her, that I was thinking of her and basically just to let her know I missed my mom too. Ten days after that date and four days before my mom's birthday I got a call from my dad at work saying that "we needed to talk". Mind you I hadn't really spoken to my father since I lost my mom. As far as I was concerned he was to blame for her having to move so far away from me, for her having to die alone, for her dying period. I didn't hate him, I was just really fucking angry at him. It's a whole long story and he really is just a prick. Anyway, his calling me was during a really busy time at work. I couldn't talk to him during work so I stopped by when I got off, after 10pm. He was drunk, go fig. Probably the drunkest I'd seen him in about 13 years. He tells me he "HAS" to ask me a question and I'm not going to like it. He wanted me to have sex with him. He got aggressive with his words, something that use to intimidate me when I was stupid enough to let him matter in my life. The only reason he didn't rape me was because he was too drunk to get off the bed. I don't doubt that if he could have found some way to physically restrain me he would have. (oh ya and a week before this happened my girlfriend lost her job) For the first time in my life I had the strength to stand up for myself in that situation. I told him FUCK YOU and walked out of his room (the fucking loser lives with his mother in the garage pathetic asshole) to him yelling at the top of his lungs for me to get back in there and sleep with him. I walked out of the garage straight to the car where my g/f was waiting and lost it. I scared the fuck outta her, I couldn't breath or talk, although in my mind I was making perfect sence. When we got home, after two and a half hours she finally got me to tell her what happened. And for the first time in my entire life I wasn't dealing with something like this alone, she held me, hid me from the bad world that has been trying to destroy me since I was 5. I've never allowed someone to be around me after something like that. But she was different. She was the only thing I wanted. With her I was safe. If it's possible to fall even more in love with someone your already deeply in love with...this did it for me. Anytime she was next to me...my soul was calm. I realized then, she was what I needed to exsist. Without her...I couldn't survive. In all honesty, if she hadn't been waiting for me when I walked out of there that night, I would have driven my car into a tree of off a cliff. That happened in February. March of this year, work was getting harder. Money was tight and the stress of what had happened with my dad was starting to take it's toll on my g/f and I. We were fighting everyday. My temper was so out of hand that I would literally smack the shit outta her, when normally I would have just walked away. Neither one of us realized why things were getting so bad. Yes we were doing a lot of drugs. At the time I needed something to keep my mind of over loading. My cousin is hella cool with us and would let us slide on what we owed him. After her b-day I just couldn't take work anymore and I didn't show up the entire weekend. No call, nothing. My g/f and I decided to take day trips without any destinations on what little money we had. Probably to save both of out sanity at the time. In anycase, I lost my job. Now neither of us were working and I still had to take care of my daughter. April - With all that going on I didn't realize the obvious. The guy that was living with me when I lived with my daughters father, Stevan, who STILL lived with him had found some new "friends". These new "friends" gave him a nice little drug habit. Meth. ohh ahhh Up until then my g/f, myself, and loser were always watching out for eachother. He'd give us money when we needed it. We'd pick him up when he got off work to take him to his other job. BS like that. We were even planning on moving out with him when we did eventually move. The whole time shit was going on my g/f kept trying to tell me he was doing Meth. I didn't listen to her because I never thought he'd betray my trust like that. Well...I'm the stupid one because it got to a point where I called him up and told him I didn't want him in the house on the weekends while my daughter was there. He was bringing his drug dealing friends in the house, smoking his shit, leaving drugs where she could get them. My stupid ass was still giving him chance after chance, thinking he still would get his shit together, my g/f still saying he's a fucking junkie. Well she was right. This whole time he was selling everything he could get his hands on. My daughter's PS1 with LCD screen that she got for x-mas last year. 175 Playstation games. 75 PS2 games. 30 DVD's 3 were mine. 150 CD's all mine. My digital camera. My scanner. He even tried to donate my van for money that had broke down in Nov. of last year which I had and officially owned for 1 month. All this came to head when I got a call in June from his old work letting me know he had just been taken away by the cops because he was trying to steal money. He had told her that his "friends" had taken his house keys and he owed them 5 grand that they were threatening him with "his daughter" if he didn't pay. When I went through the house 2 days later and realized how much of my stuff was missing I was pissed. Some of the CD's were mom's. Then I started going through the house, findind his needles hidden in the couch, the computer, under the desk, IN MY DAUGHTERS TOYS! Then I just felt sick. Now...JULY things are starting to look up a little. The loser mother fucker is gone, where I don't know. I KNOW karma will come back to him, I hope that his "FRIENDS" find him and kill is pathetic ass, slowly and painfully over weeks. However karma comes back, I just hope two things...1 I'm there to see it. 2 I have a front row seat. I don't talk to my dad anymore. I wrote him a 13 page letter and left it in his mailbox in May. I made him take a long hard look at himself. Just before Easter he called. I tried to forgive him for what he did. I talked to him for a while after but I realized, he's just not worth my time right now. My g/f and I...well that's not so cut and dry. With all the things that have gone on it's been hard. Both her and I have been clean off drugs for more then 2 months. It hasn't been easy for either one of us. Mentally I'm a wreck and I put a lot of stress on her. She's always worried about me. But...I'm doing it. As long as she's by my side, and we fight this bullshit together...we'll be fine. I'll be fine. In September I start school. I'm doing it for my daughter, because I want to be able to give her what ever she wants. I'm doing it for my g/f, for always standing by my side even when I've been wrong, for never losing faith in me, for seeing me at my weakest and still thinking I'm the strongest person she's ever known. But mostly I'm doing this for my mom, so she can see she was the best mother anyone could ever have. )O( Akira - July 7th 2002 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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