akira's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- hemorrhage In 7 days I've got to enroll my daughter in school. I HAVE to. I don't have a choice in this matter. From the time that she was born I have been competent enough to make decisions for her. I've known (or thought to have known) what the best thing for her was, and NOW I'm being told I'm NOT. What the fuck is up with that?? This is my daughter, she is of MY blood and now I'm just supposed to trust people, STRANGERS with her safety? Unclebob, you are forewarned, being a parent leaves you with NO say in your child's life. None whatsoever. I get ill just thinking of all the fucked up things that could happen to her. I don't know how my parents stayed so fucking strong. How I ended up the way that I did. Nothing makes any fucking sense to me with her having to go to school. I know that I hated being away from my mom and daddy for those hours. I would cry and cry until my mom came and got me. I'd make myself sick. I hated being at school. I had no friends, I was SO different from anyone else, I knew about sex already, I knew that there was hate in the world, that there was sickness in the world. When I would say anything about being sick I would get sent home. I know that my daughter won't get hurt, but all I know is bad. My daughter's a follower NOT a leader like me. Please let her be safe. Let her be able to talk to me if, heaven forbid, anything happen to her. I need this diary. I've recently had to go without it at times and my fucking god is the stress showing. I can't even escape into music because I have to work and they just wouldn't understand the need to hear one song over and over. Not to mention the emotional hell that I have to purge from this fucked up soul of mine. Burns are getting worse, scars sure to be much deeper then before. I stayed sober (because I ran out of booze) lastnight, and I couldn't fall asleep. Perhaps a habit in the making?? Who knows. My ex, Possum, has been missing for 4 days now. No one has talked to him. Once I thought about it my heart got all sick and hurting like, so either he's dead or he will be within a month. The last link in my life that I had to J and his brother. Someone who KNEW them. That should be easy. OH MY GOD Fuel has a new album coming out on September 19th. I'm already obfuckingsesed with the single "Hemorrhage". With the months that passed after J died I listened to nothing but Fuel and Depeche Mode, then in the weeks that followed it was Stabbing Westward and Depeche Mode. I actually kissed the lead singer of Fuel, but it was just one of those "awe you like my band" kinda kisses really. *sighs* In anycase I'm gonna take the day off to get that album you can bet on that. I totally freaked out when I heard the single on the radio. I kept telling my boy that it was Fuel. I knew it from the first note played. :o) I'm NOT obsessed in any way am I??? I don't think that my insanity at this point is evident. I took half of the day off and cleaned house, the disarray is starting to get to me. Now it's a tidy disarray. hehe I am so buzzed. We are supposed to move by the first of September. I just found out that almost ALL places require a first and last months rent as well as deposit. And my daughter's birthday is in 8 days, then her graduation follows soon thereafter. Think we are gonna make the September 1st date??? NOPE! *sigh* Ya things are going well right now. You know something...if things WERE going well I don't think that I could deal with them. I need this confusion, this....twist in my life. It's how I know that I'm still alive. It's how I know that I don't need to shove a needle in my arm or slice my wrist (which is rather tempting). It's how I know that I'm able to get past this shit. All of it. I'm a good person, deep down. Somewhere. Ave )O( Akira P.S. As fate tempting my willigness to die.....the Priest that had to oversee the Catholic Churches part in the rape came into work today..he didn't ever recognize me. Sitting across from me for 6 months had no effect on his memory apparently. - 8 * 8 * 00 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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