akira's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- second times the charm i don't want these feelings anymore. i'm sick of arguing and i'm sick of her always finding something sketchy about things. tonight was a fucking joke. i don't get pissed off anymore i just get hurt. i'll be damned if i let her see that though. i'll be god damned if she ever even knows that she's still able to hurt me. the last time she found that out she just abused the hell out of me mentally. i'm sick of her mind games. sick of her always having to apologize for losing her temper and trying to make it up. if i wanted to be treated like this i would have stayed with some of my ex's. *ding* i'm on this download fest from hell. i'm downloading all this music. diverse music. i get into these places where i'm feeling so fucking lost and confused with myself that my musical tastes just jump around. so far tonight i've downloaded...evil's toy, sisters of mercy, tori amos, the church, sarah mclachlan. odd eh? then again if you could see what i have on my mp3 player. lol *ding* i've decided that i need to find someone that likes to do things. i think that some of the reason that i'm so...not unhappy but just not me anymore is because my g/f has changed SO much. we use to go out and do things together. she liked doing the same things that i did or at least some of the same things that i did. now she's trying to act all grown up and mature and it sucks. i've got less then a month left before i have to start school and she's not wanting to go out and do anything. she uses the excuse that we don't have a car but my roomies let us use theirs when ever we want, if they don't have plans. ugh..i dunno. i'm sick of doing nothing, of trying to vie for attention, sex, approval, and trust. basically i'm just fucking tired of things how they are. but akira...things are better between the both of you..true, but it's only better because i fight back less and because i refuse to allow myself to fall back into old ways. but akira...she's trying, it's not easy to change how a person acts over night..ok that's bullshit because she changed into how she was towards me over night, why can't she just change back? but akira...you stay with her so you have no right to bitch..again true, i stay with her out of love no matter how much crap she puts me through, no matter how many many many times she's broken my heart, i'll never stop loving her and i haven't, i just think i deserve more then she's giving me that's all. but akira...love is not about what one deserves, you shouldn't be in a relationship for what you get out of it, you should be in it for how you feel..but if what you get out of a relationship is being hurt and not trusted and felt like your being taken for granted no matter how you feel, why would you want to stay? - i dunno life's a bitch. ave She's Your Cocaine Uh. She's your cocaine. She's got you shaving your legs. Mmm... She said control it, then she said, don't control it, Mmm... If you want me to, boy I could lie to you. Please don't help me with this. 12:03 a.m. - 2002-08-21 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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