akira's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Amuck How long have I had this diary for? I can't even remember. Longer then Voo and I have been together. Shit this whole time I've been on d-land and I never realized that Miss Pischina's son and my daughter have b-days so close. Well HAPPY BIRTHDAY SPIKE! My daughter is will be 8 in just a few short hours. This should be a time for me to be happy and joyous. And I am don't get me wrong. I'm thrilled that she's going to be 8 and that she's been basically unscathed by my choices in life, POOR choices. But I can't help but hate the fact that my mom's not around, that her fucking father has to be such an asshole that he can't be around me or Voo to celebrate it with us, instead of having to separate us from her. But you know what...it's cool because WE, Voo and I are the improtant one's in her life, he's just a bonus, not part of life. I'm not in a good place these days. My aggravation level is SO high. It hasn't been this high in... I don't know how long. I'm fucking ready to beat the shit outta the first person that rubs me the wrong way. My control over my mania isn't going very well. I fly off at the mouth at work without even trippin off it. This one person at work that's I'm really cool with let's me go off, just to vent. I was going off today and he's just sittin there laughing at me, then finally says "Akira, have you ever thought about taking an anger management class." I say "No" He says "Good." Then walks away. So I guess he likes me the way I am eh?? lol I don't take shit from people and I guess he likes that. *ding* Sometimes I think that maybe Voo and I should be together. That I'm not ready to settle down and be calm and all grown up. I mean I'm playing the part of it right now, but there are times when I just can't take life anymore and I want to shut down. No not get into the H again, hell not even the M'phine. But just the thought of shutting down my brain to think about nothing, worry about nothing, be nothing for just a few hours. But she thinks that it wouldn't be a few minutes, hours or shit like that. She thinks that it would be a lifetime of starting and stopping and starting again. She thinks that I just can't do it for now, and not want to do it again. No ones walked in my shoes, no ones been me. I don't sleep well, except for every now and again. It's not an every night thing, hell it's not even an every other night thing. I have nightmares on a constant basis. I've just gotten so use to them lately I just curl up with her, breath slowly like J taught me to do and try and get back to sleep. I love my Voodu. More then life it's self sometimes. She's what gotten me through all the bullshit so that I can be who I am now. Going to school, graduating, getting this job, keeping this job, I've done it for us, all three of us. But she's what's gotten me through it, I did it but if it wasn't for my Voodu I wouldn't have gotten through it. I just wish she had more faith in me and my choices. I don't want life to be like it was before, drugs every day, all day, all night. Hell I don't even want them every weekend, but my god we had fun on them. Until we didn't have fun anymore. Every time we start talking about drugs she gets all pissed off. My sister says it's because Voo can't handle them and she's worried that because I can I'll want to leave her behind and do my own thing because I've done it with people I've been with before. That I have my life and my priorties and I won't let anyone get in my way. The things is that I don't want to have fun in life unless it's with my Voodu. I mean that just doesn't make sense to have fun in life without the person you love to have fun with you. Right? She just doesn't like having the same kind of fun I do, with anything, at all. I gues I'll live. I guess I have to. *ding* I think if I have another child ever in life I'm going to name her Anjelik. Ave )O( Akira 9:48 p.m. - August 15th 1003 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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