akira's Diaryland Diary

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trying to surface

I'm here. Writing. It's been so long since I've opened my mind to others I'm not sure I have it me anymore. I've been around (on d-land). I'm always reading my favorites, found some new ones, but I can never open up and release. Perhaps it's more of not wanting to.

*ding* (still have the dings)
We had my mom cremated . Her wish was to scatter half of her ashes out at this place we use to go camping all the time and the other half in the ocean where she grew up. I had every intention of carrying out her wishes, I swear. But now, many many months later I don't want to or I can't or something. That's all I have of my mom left. A brown plastic box of ashes. I sit there sometimes on the bed looking at it in it's green velvet drawstring bag and think "That's my mom. My MOM'S in there!" Then I start to cry. Is it wrong to not fulfill her wishes? If I do what she wants I'll lose her. It's selfish to not I realize that, but I'm not sure I can. Damn it's harder then I thought it would be. I'm constantly forgetting she's gone. I'll pick up the phone to call her, or I'll say something like "Oh I'll call mom and ask her."

*ding*
Fuel's playing tomorrow. Their opening for Aerosmith, it's a BIG deal to someone who's seen them work their way up from opening for Creed at a half packed local club. We didn't have the funds for me to go (or so I thought) then out of the blue my boy tells me I'm going. I'm spoiled ya I know. I'm still in this state of shock. I'm actually going to see them open a gig like that. WHOO HOO

*ding*
This is really a shitty start but at least I'm starting somewhere. I've gotten so use to hiding feelings, thoughts, sorrows, and everything else except anger (which Tweaker and my boy know ALL too well). Baby steps.

Ave )O( Akira

- August 7th 2001

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